‘I remember when it was all furry round here,’ I will say sadly in the changing room of the gym, surrounded by smooth, pink genitals, ‘Hairy toots as far of the eye can see. Wild and untamable. An arbor of nature. Playground of my youth. I used to spend hours there. Now… now it’s all waxed and empty. All the wildlife has gone. The bulldozers have moved in. They’re going to build a new Safeway there, on the vaginas.’
More vag-chat! More vag-chat for the 3.3 billion people who have them and feel a bit embarrassed about them, worry about them, try to keep them secret, and see them as their weakness or regard them with fear. The world can only be made a better—and, let’s face it, frequently more amusing—place if women openly discuss their “secret handbags.
Tim Minchin interviews Caitlin Moran on Chain Reaction, tonight at 6.30. BBC Radio 4.
Comedian and musician Tim Minchin is not well but still has a great time putting the world to rights in his attempt to interview journalist and author, Caitlin Moran, despite having no questions and no voice.
Your day job is writing for a newspaper. Didn’t you once end up at a sex club with Lady Gaga?
Yes. This was at the time the rumor was going round that she was secretly a man. I saw her vagina when she was on the toilet. I quickly checked, as a journalist would, and I was able to break that news in the Times of London, one of the oldest and most respectable newspapers in the world.
We’ve been talking for only a minute, and you’ve already brought up vaginas. There was recently a bit of controversy in the U.S….
….and then Time Magazine cuts off what looks like a promising, vagina-filled interview and demands a subscription.
I can’t believe we’ve got to a point where it’s basically costing us money to have a fanny. They’re making us pay for maintenance and upkeep of our lulus, like they’re a communal garden. It’s a stealth tax. Fanny VAT. This is money we should be spending on THE ELECTRICITY BILL and CHEESE and BERETS. Instead, we’re wasting it on making our Chihuahuas look like a skanky Lidl chicken breast. God DAMN you, mores-of-pornography-that-have-made-it-into-my-pants. GOD DAMN YOU.