Your day job is writing for a newspaper. Didn’t you once end up at a sex club with Lady Gaga?
Yes. This was at the time the rumor was going round that she was secretly a man. I saw her vagina when she was on the toilet. I quickly checked, as a journalist would, and I was able to break that news in the Times of London, one of the oldest and most respectable newspapers in the world.
We’ve been talking for only a minute, and you’ve already brought up vaginas. There was recently a bit of controversy in the U.S….
….and then Time Magazine cuts off what looks like a promising, vagina-filled interview and demands a subscription.
Oh God, I saw her just before Christmas and we got absolutely wankered. She played me the whole of the new album. So I heard Born This Way for the first time and it was just her in a bra and knickers, jumping up and down screaming it in my face. By the time she got to the end of the album I was a) not only convinced that she had written Hair about me, because she kept pointing at my hair and I was thinking ‘last time you met me my hair was so inspirational that you’ve written a fucking song about my hair’, which is amazing, but I was also so drunk that I’d started to think that she fancied me and that maybe something would happen. Next time I’m with her I need to not drink quite so much whiskey, I think? But yeah, we’re working on something now.
Life’s too short to argue with people who aren’t enjoying a tiny buck-toothed whisky-drinking 25-year-old chick from New York who walks around in shoes shaped like armadillos and arrives at award ceremonies in a giant egg.