"I’m not going to be worshipped by some powerful, loaded, sword-wielding man who will change my life if I marry him. Because that is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and he doesn’t exist.
I don’t want some alpha-y patriarchal brute- some confident man of action who will treat me like “his woman.” When PJ O’Rourke said, “No woman ever dreamed of being thrown on a bed and ravished by someone dressed as a liberal,” I wished to cry, “Speak for yourself, dear! You are scarcely qualified to judge. When was the last time you were in All Bar One in your Spanx, eyeing up the ass?” In the modern world, this old-fashioned notion of what makes men desirable to women is useless and outdated, as evidenced by the fact that it’s usually only people over the age of 40 who ever go on about it.
…Speaking for all my lady friends, we all want some geeky, nerdy, polite, and ridiculous mate whom we can sit at home with, slagging off all the tossers, and waiting for our baked potatoes to be ready. Who, obviously, is additionally so hot for us the regularly crawls on across the front room on his hands and knees, croaking, “I must have sex with you now , or go literally insane.” Compared to that, Prince Charming looks like a total donk.
…in many ways, there is no crueler or more inappropriate present to give a child than estrogen and a big pair of tits. Had anyone asked me in advance of my birthday, I think I would have requested a thesaurus or maybe pajamas, instead.
“How to Be a Woman” by Caitlin Moran (via slwpersonal)
"The relief of taking off a bad bra is immeasurable. It’s like a combination of putting your feet up, going to the toilet, a drink of cold water on a hot day, and sitting on the steps of a caravan having a fag."
- Caitlin Moran: How to Be a Woman
We need the only word we have ever had to describe “making the world equal for men and women.” Women’s reluctance to use it sends out a really bad signal. Imagine if, in the 1960s, it had become fashionable for black people to say they “weren’t into” civil rights. “No! I’m not into civil rights! That Martin Luther King is too shouty. He just needs to chill out, to be honest.”
Whilst male fantasies are short, powerful and to the point – a bit like ‘My Sharona’ by The Knack, say – female fantasies are some symphonic, shape-shifting thing by Alice Coltrane. In their fantasies, the women grow and shrink, shape-shift, change age, colour and location. They manifest as vapour, light and sound, they strobe through conflicting personas (nurse, robot, mother, virgin, boy, wolf) and a zodiac of positions whilst, you suspect, also imagining consistently great-looking hair.
At its best fashion is a game. But for women it’s a compulsory game, like net ball, and you can’t get out of it by faking your period. I know I have tried. And so for a woman every outfit is a hopeful spell, cast to influence the outcome of the day. An act of trying to predict your fate, like looking at your horoscope.
"I personally have a cunt. Sometimes it’s ‘flaps’ or ‘twat’, but most of the time, it’s my cunt. Cunt is a proper, old, historic, strong word. I like that my fire escape also doubles up as the most potent swearword in the English language. Yeah. That’s how powerful it is, guys. If I tell you what I’ve got down there, old ladies and clerics might faint. I like how shocked people are when you say ‘cunt’. It’s like I have a nuclear bomb in my pants, or a tiger, or a gun.
Compared to this the most powerful swearword men have got out of their privates is ‘dick’, which is frankly vanilla, and I believe you’re allowed to use on, like, Blue Peter if something goes wrong. In a culture where nearly everything female is still seen as squeam-inducing, and/or weak - menstruation, menopause, just the sheer simple act of calling someone ‘a girl’ - I love that ‘cunt’ stands, on its own, as the supreme unvanquishable word. It has almost mystic resonance. It is a cunt - we all know it’s a cunt - but we can’t call it a cunt. We can’t say the actual word. It’s too powerful. Like Jews can never utter the Tetragrammaton - and must make do with ‘Jehovah’, instead.”
— Caitlin Moran.
When the subject turns to abortion, cosmetic intervention, birth, motherhood, sex, love, work, misogyny, fear, or just how you feel in your own skin, women still won’t often tell the truth to each other unless they are very, very drunk.
More like How to Be a $1.99 eBook, amirite?
(If you missed the runaway-bestseller train, it’s circling back around and only costs $1.99. You should click over if only to save yourself from my metaphors.)