This is 21st-century heterosexual porn:

Once upon a time, a girl with long nails and a really bad outfit sat on a sofa, trying to look sexy, but actually looking like she’d just remembered a vexing, unpaid parking fine. She might be slightly cross-eyed, due to how tight her bra is.

A man comes in - a man who walks rather oddly, as if he’s carrying an invisible garden chair in front of him. This is because he’s got a uselessly large penis, which is erect and appears to be scanning the room for the most sexually disinterested thing in it.

Having rejected the window and a vase, the cock finally homes in on the girl on the sofa.

As she disinterestedly licks her lips, the man leans over and - inexplicably - weighs her left breast in his hand. This appears to be the crossing of some kind of sexual Rubicon because 30 seconds later she’s being fucked at an uncomfortable angle, then bummed while looking quite pained. There’s usually a bit of arse-slapping here, or some hair-pulling there - whatever can ring in the variety in a straightforward two-camera shoot in less than five minutes.

It all ends with him coming all over her face, messily - as if he’s haphazardly icing a bun in one of the challenges on Minute to Win It.

The End.