Between 0-2 years:

You’re so sleepy. You will go to sleep now. All humans fall asleep by midnight. All of them. If you go to sleep now, I will pay for you through university. If you keep crying, I will actually die. Daddy can do this better than Mummy. Isn’t it lovely to see Granny! I know you can understand what I am saying! Mummy will make everything better now.

2-5 years:

Mummy and Daddy will never die. You will never die. The cats will never die. No one has ever died - it’s just a thing they made up to make The Lion King more dramatic. Inoculations don’t hurt. We’re going to Woolworth’s - they have a sweet in the pic’n’mix that will stop your inoculations hurting. Mummy always has to try one of your pic’n’mix, to check they’re not poisoned. I’m not smoking - this is Uncle Nathan’s cigarette. I’m not smoking - this is Uncle Martin’s cigarette. This isn’t a cigarette - it’s Sooty’s wand. I’m about to do a magic trick! See! I’ve made the lighter disappear, too! The ice-cream van plays that music when they’ve run out of ice cream. Spiders enjoy dying. Lambs LOVE being eaten. Zoos are like amazing luxury hotels for lions. A four-year old girl cannot eat six sausages. You can use dock leaves OR Penguin wrappers on nettle stings. The next day, he builds a snowman that’s EVEN BETTER. Mummy will make everything better now.

5-11 years:

Humans cannot metabolise pudding at 11am. Daddy was just giving Mummy a special horsey ride. If you work hard and never give up, you will always succeed. No one has ever broken into a house and killed a child in their bed. Things always get better. It’s what you’re like on the inside that counts. If you tell the truth, everything will be fine. Your father knows what he’s doing. The teachers just want to help you. When I was your age. I would have killed for a cagoule as snazzy as that. There’s no such thing as “shoes so ugly they’ll ruin your life”. Or “having the wrong kind of face”. Or “being the kind of person who just can’t make friends”. You can’t die of a broken heart. Mummy will make everything better now.