Fuck Yeah Caitlin Moran

storeboughtwords:

In a world beset by worries and woes – the floods! The droughts! The banks! The bees! – a new concern has just rocketed straight to the top of all “fret lists”. In a refreshingly frank piece for Grazia, the author Tony Parsons confessed to a problem. Discussing comments from the actress Chloë Sevigny – who claims that men are “intimidated” by her earning more than them – Parsons admitted that he, too, dislikes women earning more than him.

“Does it rock the family boat if the woman earns more?” he asked. “No – it drives the boat into an iceberg. Because the man will feel as if his penis is dropping off.”

Well, this is an alarming state of affairs for Parsons to be confessing to on behalf of all men. I can’t help but feel, in the next few months, he might find parties quite difficult. Every time a woman who earns more than him engages him in conversation, everyone within a 15-foot radius will be listening out for the gentle thudding sound as his out-earned nethers hit the floor. Hosts will have to suddenly abandon other guests and run across the room, screaming, “DON’T TALK TO TONY PARSONS, KARREN BRADY – WE’VE ONLY JUST GLUED IT BACK ON FROM LAST TIME!”

We must all remember, of course, that none of this is Parsons’ fault. It’s not as if this is an intellectual stance he’s consciously taking – some thoughts about a personal insecurity he harbours, which have, over time, solidified into a blanket thesis which all men adhere to. No. It’s deeper than that.

“There is no law that says… a high-flying female banker can’t earn the big dough while her man stays at home, writing slim volumes of poetry. No law against it. Only the law of Nature,” he writes, sadly. And in this he is, of course, correct. For if there is one thing that photosynthesis has proved time and time again, it is that Tony Parsons’ wife must earn less than him. It is an observable fact, noted in all the great studies of biology.

As Darwin’s On the Origins of Species makes very clear, the imperative of a happy marriage is simple: a “good” wife will always earn less than her husband, meaning that, logically, the “best possible” wife would be… a slave. Or, alternatively (if no slaves are available), a woman with massive debts – too big to clear in a lifetime, and which have left her penniless. Under these happy circumstances, a man’s penis should thrive – remaining firmly attached to him, even during bumpy car journeys or after being attacked by a lion.

Of course, with the latest forecast from the Office for National Statistics showing that women in Britain are expected to out-earn men by 2020, this will lead, presumably, to the almost immediate breeding failure of “natural” men, whose penises fall off in the presence of their wife’s payslip. Humanity’s future will, therefore, lie in the hands of the odd, puzzling mutant-man who – through a combination of ignorance and sheer insanity – doesn’t, to use the technical term, “give a toss” who puts the money into the joint bank account, just so long as the family doesn’t end up homeless in a cardboard box next to an A-road.

As a logical extension of this, one must presume that the man who will get the most sex from 2020 onwards will be some manner of super-mutant who actively fancies a woman who does well at her career. This new breed will be able to swing from fruity businesswoman to lubricious entrepreneur – much in the way Tarzan swung from vine to vine – with barely a pause between tumbles between 600 thread-count sheets. The “M” in “MILF” will come to mean “millionairess”, not “mum”.

The only thing we must ignore in all of this is that the man who likes women to earn more money than him must have, logically, as his ultimate role model Prince Philip, which is obviously unfortunate. But no! I’ve just thought of Richard Burton! And Arthur Miller! And, er, David Cameron! It’s all right again!

Perhaps the most notable facet of Parsons’ statement is that he never once mentions his wife’s views on whether or not she should earn less than him. Obviously, those views would ultimately be worthless – you can’t argue with the laws of Nature, Mrs Parsons! But a few crazy dreamers – scientists, perhaps; or socialists, into their “equality” hoo-ha – might wonder how she felt.

Aware of this imbalance, I asked my husband how he felt about our situation.

“What?” he said, blinking vaguely.

“How do you feel about me earning more than you?” I asked.

“Er, really glad we can buy food, and stuff?” he replied, looking confused.

“It doesn’t make your penis drop off?”

“No, that’s leprosy,” he said. “You’re confusing ‘your wages’ with leprosy. Leprosy is the only thing that makes a man’s penis fall off.”

rebeccaht:

Oh Caitlin, this is why you’re one of my faves.