“But believing in an afterlife totally negates your current existence. It’s like an insidious and destabilising mental illness. Underneath every day - every action, every word - you think it doesn’t really matter if you screw up this time because you can just sort it all out in paradise. You make it up with your parents, and become a better person and lose that final stone in Heaven. And learn how to speak French. You’ll have all time, after all! It’s eternity! And you’ll have wings and it’ll be sunny! So, really, who cares what you do now? This is just some lack-lustre waiting room you’re only going to be in for 20 minutes, during which you will have no wings at all and are forced to walk around, on your feet, like pigs do. If we wonder why people are so apathetic and casual about every eminently avoidable horror in the world - famine, war, disease, the seas gradually turning piss-yellow and filling with ringpulls and shattered fax machines - it’s right there. Heaven. The biggest waste of our time we ever invented, outside jigsaws. Only when the majority of people on this planet believe - absolutely - that they are dying, minute by minute, will we actually start behaving like fully sentient, rational and compassionate beings. For whilst the appeal of ‘being good’ is strong, the terror of hurtling, unstoppably, into an unending nullity is a lot more affective. When everyone in the world admits they’re going to die, we’ll really start getting some stuff done.”—Caitlin Moran, How to be a Woman. (via allwellandgroovy)
“In times of political panic in America, they hoard guns, dried food and Bibles. We’re hoarding pasties, stamps and jerry-cans of unleaded.”—Caitlin Moran on Twitter (via less-correcting-more-connecting)
psst, do you have any links to the audiobook? Isohunt seems to be empty. :/
I obviously cannot endorse the finding of free Moran through illegal means, HOWEVER, if you buy the audiobook from Audible through Amazon by signing up for their free trial, you get one free download. I used mine to get How to Be a Woman and then cancelled the Audible account.
You too can work the system and stick it to The Man HERE!
“If I’m honest, the handbag I would probably like most is a big, hollowed-out potato with handles on it. A giant King Edward with satchel straps. Then, in times of crisis, I could bake and eat the handbag, and survive the winter. That is the way of my people.”—Caitlin Moran, How To Be A Woman (via xraycharles)
“These days, a plethora of shitty attitudes to women have become diffuse, indistinct or almost entirely concealed. Fighting them feels like trying to combat a mouldy, mildew smell in the hallway, using only a breadknife. Because - like racism, anti-Semitism and homophobia - modern sexism has become cunning. Sly. Codified. In the same way a closet racist would never dream of openly saying ‘nigger’ but might make a pointed reference to someone black having a natural rhythm, or liking fried chicken, so a closet misogynist has a vast array of words, comments, phrases and attitudes that they can employ to subtly put a woman down, or disconcert her, but without it being immediately apparent that that is what they are actually doing.”—Caitlin Moran, How to Be A Woman (via xraycharles)
“If we ever wonder why people are so apathetic and casual about every eminently avoidable horror in the world…it’s right there. Heaven. The biggest waste of our time we ever invented, outside of jigsaws. Only when the majority of the people on this planet believe - absolutely - that they are dying, minute by minute, will we actually start behaving like fully entient, rational and compassionate beings.”—Caitlin Moran, How to be a Woman (via mountainsoutofmolehills)
“By whatever rationale you use, ending a pregnancy 12 weeks into gestation is incalculably more moral than bringing an unwanted child into this world. It’s those unhappy, unwanted children, who then grew into angry adults, who have caused the majority of humankind’s miseries.”—Caitlin Moran, How to be a Woman (via mountainsoutofmolehills)
“For most people [under the age of 40], they see that this is a time where what really makes a man ‘alpha’ is avoiding pugilism (the legal system is a drag, plus expensive), being amusing (we’re sitting on top of 50 years’ worth of amazing sitcoms. If you haven’t picked up a couple of techniques for cracking a joke by now, you look a trifle slow-witted), and, as a bonus, knowing how to reinstall Adobe AIR when Twitter goes down on your laptop. Speaking for all my lady friends, we all want some geeky, nerdy, polite and ridiculous mate who we can sit at home with, slagging off all the tossers, and waiting for our baked potatoes to be ready. Who, obviously, is additionally so hot for us he regularly crawls across the front room on his hands and knees, croaking, ‘I must have sex with you now, or go literally insane’. Compared to that, Prince Charming looks like a total donk.”—Caitlin Moran, How To Be A Woman (via uppity-minx)
Lines and greyness are nature’s way of telling you not to fuck with someone - the equivalent of the yellow and black banding on a wasp, or the markings on the back of a black widow spider. Lines are your weapons against idiots. Lines are your ‘KEEP AWAY FROM THE WISE INTOLERANT WOMAN’ sign.
When I get ‘old’ (59 - I reckon 59 is old) I personally intend to bomb around town with white hair fully two foot wide, looking like one of the Wild Women of Wonga, SHOUTING about how I can feel my cells dying, and ordering doubles to help me forget it. I’m not going to spend £50,000 on dying my hair, pumping up my tits, resurfacing my face and pretending I’m a dewy virgin shepherdess, off to seek my first tumble at the bridal fair.
“Watch any porn made after, say, 1988, and it’s all hairless down there: close-ups are like watching one of the Mitchell brothers, with no eyes, eating a very large, fidgety sausage.”—Caitlin Moran, How to be a Woman (via mountainsoutofmolehills)
“To any idiot who says, ‘You a feminist? Do you burn your bras, then, huh? HUR? You burn your bras, you feminist?’ you must reply, calmly, ‘Fool. FOOL. Bra is my friend. My bosomest buddy. My inti-mate. Except for that balcony-cup Janet Reger one that was an inch too small, and cut off the circulation to my head. Yeah. That one, I covered that one in petrol, and torched it outside the American Embassy.’”—Caitlin Moran, How To Be a Woman (via falsesalvation)
“But as the years went on, I realised that what I really want to be, all told, is a human. Just a productive, honest, courteously treated human. One of ‘The Guys’. But with really amazing hair.”—Caitlin Moran
What all-female band would you put up against the might of The Beatles? The Runaways? The Go-Gos? The Slits? The disparity was laughable. But we could never, ever mention it. The truth sounded sexist.
Creativity, we silently fretted, should really have begun the moment legislation changed. All manner of female incredibleness – pent up for centuries – should have been unleashed; flattening trees for thousands of miles around, like a pyroclastic blast. If women really were equal to men, Emmeline and Christabel Pankhurst should have been knocking out ‘All Along The Watchtower’ before dusk on the day suffrage was granted. While they were underneath that horse.
But they didn’t. Because simply being able to vote isn’t the same as true equality. It’s difficult to see the glass ceiling because it’s made of glass. Virtually invisible. What we need is for more birds to fly above it, and shit all over it, so we can see it properly.
“The use of the word ‘girl’ as an insult. Five times I’ve heard it used in the past fortnight. On telly, in real life, from parents to children. When a boy is not into traditionally masculine activities such as football his peers will call him a ‘girl’ with such rampant distaste as though being a girl is the worst thing a person possibly can be. There is no male alternative to this. Girls do not call each other ‘boys’ when they behave in a particularly ‘dickish’ manner. When a boy falls over on the football pitch, he is inevitably met with chants of ‘she fell over’, as though it is an innate female trait to fall over when we all know that this is not the case. The thing that irks me most about this, is it implies that there is something inherently wrong with being female. When we insult someone, the way it works is to paint them with traits we deem undesirable. Which is why we use ugly, stupid, fat etcetera, when we dislike someone. So by using ‘girl’ we are implying that this is an undesirable thing to be. Which doesn’t seem very fair really. And the problem is, it’s not just guys who do this. No they’ve got us good have the patriarchy. I have heard parents and teachers use the term ‘big girl’s blouse’, without realising it is sexist. And when we teach our kids these things from a young age it will naturally be imprinted on their subconscious that being a ‘girl’ is something they shouldn’t want to be. And this can’t be good for any of us can it?”
“If I’m going to spunk £500 on a pair of designer shoes, it’s going to be a pair that I can a) dance to ‘Bad Romance’ in, and b) will allow me to run away from a murderer, should one suddenly decide to give chase. That’s the minimum I ask from my footwear. To be able to dance in it, and for it not to get me murdered”—Caitlin Moran, ‘How To Be A Woman’ (via uppity-minx)
“The people around you are mirrors, I think to myself. You see yourself reflected in their eyes. If the mirror is true, and smooth, you see your true self. That’s how you learn who you are. And you might be a different person to different people, but it’s all feedback that you need, in order to know yourself. But if the mirror is broken, or cracked, or warped, the reflection is not true. And you start to believe you are this … bad reflection.”—Caitlin Moran (via darktalk)
“Give a new mother a sleeping child for an hour, and she can achieve ten times more than a childless person. Multi tasking doesn’t come near to the quantum productivity of someone putting in an online grocery order, writing a report, cooking the tea, counselling a weeping friend on the phone, mending a broken Hoover - all within the space of a 3pm nap.”—Caitlin Moran, How to be a Woman An Easy World: How To Be A Woman
“Speaking for all my lady friends, we all want some geeky, nerdy, polite and ridiculous mate who we can sit at home with, slagging off all the tossers, and waiting for our baked potatoes to be ready. Who, obviously, is additionally so hot for us he regularly crawls across the front room on his hands and knees, croaking, ‘I must have sex with you now, or go literally insane.’ Compared to that, Prince Charming looks like a total donk.”—Caitlin Moran (via darktalk)
‘Women still die in childbirth. Not as many as used to – but notably more than die while receiving other “gifts”, such as scented candles’
There’s something disturbing about the idea of someone pressing something unwanted – wholly unwanted – in your hands, saying, “It’s a gift! It’s a gift!”
And you demur, politely at first, saying, “How lovely, but no. I do not want this gun/modern sculpture too large for my house/sack of oysters – to which I am allergic – thank you. It is lovely that you thought of me, but no.”
But the insistence increases. “It’s a GIFT,” they insist, forcing it into your palm. “A PRESENT. YOU MUST HAVE THIS GIFT.”
And now your hands are bleeding, and you’re truly alarmed, and you try to back away. But you find that the law has changed overnight, and you are legally obliged to take this gift – even as you stand there with your hands torn, saying, “But surely a gift is something wanted? Something suitable? A stranger’s hand putting something into my pocket is the same as a stranger’s hand taking something out of my pocket. Really, there should be no hand there at all.”
And the gun goes off, and the sculpture is wedged in the doorway, immovable, and the oysters leak, slowly, onto the floor. Things that would have been wanted elsewhere cause chaos here. They do not fit, and they cause grief. And the stranger walks away. Having pressed his gift upon you, his work is done.
Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum’s comment that, if his daughter were raped and became pregnant, he would not want her to have an abortion – but think of the baby as a “gift” from God – has been one of the defining quotes of the year.
As contraception and abortion become, yet again, controversial – the UK facing the second proposal, in as many years, for pro-life organisations to counsel women wanting an abortion; in the US, Santorum and others speaking out against contraception, even for married couples – the idea of babies as a “gift” becomes a pivotal one.
“Gift” is a key concept. If all babies are a “gift”, then a pregnant woman seeking abortion becomes unforgivably “ungrateful”. Similarly, contraception is bad, because it is the rejection of yet more “gifts”.
Let us think of all the inferences of “gifts”. If I give you a gift, it is usually a surprise. It is probably something you would not have got for yourself. And after I have given it to you, I would not see it again. I leave you with the gift. Gift-giving leaves the person who receives the gift essentially powerless – not a problem if it’s a brightly coloured wristwatch, a great deal more so if it’s a human being you bear responsibility over for the rest of your life.
Babies being “given” to women as gifts makes the women sound powerless. Just something that a present was put into, like a cupboard or a shelf – rather than a reasoning adult who decided they were ready to be a mother.
Calling a baby a “gift” also sounds – let us be honest – like the phrasing of someone who has not spent much time bringing up children. It seems unfair to use visceral language to describe parenthood – but as anti-choice, anti-contraception campaigners are quite happy to use visceral language themselves (“slut”, “prostitute”), I have to presume they would be all right with it.
From the shop floor of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood, here’s what that gift can entail: tearing, bleeding, weeping, exhaustion, hallucination, despair, rage, anaemia, stitches, incontinence, unemployment, depression, infection, loneliness. Death. Women still die in childbirth. Not as many as used to – but notably more than die while receiving any other “gifts”, such as scented candles, or minibreaks. Additionally, “gift” sounds hopelessly inadequate to describe your children, whom you inhale like oxygen, swoon over like lovers and would die for in a heartbeat. I have never done this over a foot spa, book token or vase.
The worry of the anti-abortion and anti-contraception campaigners is that women rejecting these “gifts” are rejecting the gifts of Nature, or God. But Nature, of course, turns to contraception and abortion all the time: the diseases that make you barren; the sperm counts that fall to zero. Blocked tubes, blown wombs and the thousand sorrows of the infertile. The one-in-three first pregnancies that end in miscarriage – miscarriage which is just like abortion, a potential life ended, except miscarriages are unwanted, and often dangerous, while abortions are safe, and wanted.
Nature also, clearly, believes in non-procreative sex: for 27 days a month, sex is non-procreative. Sex after the menopause is non-procreative. Statistically, most sex is non-procreative. Clearly, sex isn’t just for procreation: it’s also for the creation of happiness, or excitement, or contentment.
Those things really are gifts, and are always wanted. Those things do not scare me, when pressed upon me.
“More often than not [the word fat]’s used as a weapon to stop the conversation dead: ‘Shut up you fat bitch.’ silence.
It’s generally regarded to be the Hiroshima of accusations -the bomb which, once dropped, calls for immediate surrender from the accused. If you can counter perfectly valid arguments with ‘Yeah well, at least I’m not fat’, then you are the allies and you have won.
The accusation is so strong, it is still effective even if it has no basis in the truth whatsoever. I have seen size 10 women being silenced by this line-as if they feel the accuser has somehow sensed that they secretly have a ‘fat aura’ or will become fat later in life, and called them out on it”—Caitlin Moran, How to be a Woman (via fans-of-feminism)
Once upon a time, a girl with long nails and a really bad outfit sat on a sofa, trying to look sexy, but actually looking like she’d just remembered an unpaid parking fine. She might be slightly cross eyed due to how tight her bra is.
A man comes in — a man who walks rather oddly, as if he is carrying an invisible garden chair in front of him. This is because he’s got a uselessly large penis, which is erect, and appears to be scanning the room for the most sexually disinterested thing in it. Having rejected the window, and a vase, the cock finally homes in on the girl on the sofa.
As she disinterestedly licks her lips, the man leans over and — inexplicably — weighs her left breast in her hand. This appears to be the crossing of some kind of sexual Rubicon because, 30 seconds later, she’s being fucked at an uncomfortable angle, then bummed whilst looking quite pained. There’s usually a bit of arse-slapping here, or some hair pulling there — whatever can ring in the variety in a straightforward two-camera shoot in less than 5 minutes.
It all ends with him coming all over her face, messily — as if he’s haphazardly icing a bun in one of the challenges on The Generation Game.
”—Caitlin Moran — How To Be A Woman (via emily-m-b)
But that’s just the start. Imagine if pornography was not this bizarre, mechanised, factory-farmed fucking: bloodless, naked aerobics, concerned solely with high-speed penetration and ostentatious ejaculation. Imagine if itwere about desire.
Because the one thing I couldn’t find, that night, as I glided around the internet, was desire. People who actually wanted to fuck each other. Had to fuck each other. Imagine watching two people screwing at that early, white-hot stage of attraction when your pupils dilate just looking at each other, and you want to melt each other’s bones so bad you’re practically eating each other’s clothes off the minute the door closes. I can’t be the only one who’s occasionally had a fuck so spectacular, all-encompassing, cinematic and intense that, at the end of it, I’ve lain back – ears still ringing – and thought, CNN wanna get a hold of that. Now that REALLY needed a tickertape running underneath it.
In a world where you can get a spare kidney, a black-market Picasso or a ticket to ride into space, why can’t I see some actual sex? Some actual fucking from people who want to fuck each other? Some chick in an outfit I halfway respect, having the time of her life? I have MONEY. I’m willing to PAY for this. I AM NOW A 35 YEAR OLD WOMAN, AND I JUST WANT A MULTI-BILLION-DOLLAR INTERNATIONAL PORN INDUSTRY WHERE I CAN SEE A WOMAN COME.
I just want to see a good time.
”—Caitlin Moran — How To Be A Woman (via emily-m-b)
“Ladies! On how many occasions in the last year have you needed to wear a tiny pair of skimpy pants? In other words, to break this right down, how many times have you suddenly, unexpectedly, had sex in a brightly lit room, with a hard-to-please erotic connoisseur? Exactly. On those kind of odds, you might just as well be keeping a backgammon board down there, to entertain a group of elderly ladies in the event of emergencies. It’s more likely to happen.”—Caitlin Moran, How To Be A Woman (via soughtaffections)