Is there ever going to be a week that will go by without either Kanye West or his fiancée Kim Kardashian featuring in Celebrity Watch? CW’s gonna be totally honest with you: it doubts it. It doubts it all to hell and back.
This week, West made the Press Association ticker-tape by releasing a new song, I Won, in which he paeans Kardashian in rhyme: “I wanna dip that ass in gold” he raps, a proposition that makes CW incredibly nervous, given how badly a similar process went for Shirley Eaton in Goldfinger.
But even as CW was fretting over this terrible health-and-safety issue, West had gone on to make his next major statement. Recalling how Kardashian chose a rap star (him) over a sports star (some sports stars), he rapped, “I made it over NBA, NFL players/ So every time I score it’s like the Super Bowl.”
Now, while CW does not doubt that this lyric comes from a place of love and admiration, it feels it must caution West as to the unfortunate nature of this particular simile. Saying “I made it over NBA, NFL players” makes it sound like there was a huddle of them, grouped around Kardashian’s private areas, that West had to bust through while wearing a helmet and gumshield, that one billion people watched it on TV and that the Red Hot Chili Peppers played at half-time.
And as for “So every time I score it’s like the Super Bowl” — has he even thought about this? The goalposts in the NFL are 40ft tall and 18ft 6in wide and Kardashian’s just had a baby. To be honest, given the circumstances, this is the worst simile for making love to your wife ever.
|—||Caitlin Moran’s “Celebrity Watch”, The Times, Friday 18th April (via theinternethassexwithitself)|
|—||Caitlin Moran, How To Be A Woman (via chamalmey)|
|—||Caitlin Moran (via infamoussayings)|
I have made it socially acceptable for girls who wear eyeliner to discuss masturbation and sexism.
|—||Caitlin Moran as part of “Q&A with Caitlin Moran” in The Guardian. (via poweradepuke)|
|—||Caitlin Moran (via quote—bank)|
|—||caitlin moran (via fun-fierce-fearless-fangirl)|
In all the aeons we have lost nothing, we have gained nothing - not a speck, not a grain, not a breath. The universe is simply a sealed, twisting kaleidoscope that has reordered itself a trillion trillion trillion times over.
Each baby, then, is a unique collision - a cocktail, a remix - of all that has come before: made from molecules of Napoleon and stardust and comets and whale tooth; colloidal mercury and Cleopatra’s breath: and with the same darkness that is between the stars between, and inside, our own atoms.
When you know this, you suddenly see the crowded top deck of the bus, in the rain, as a miracle: this collection of people is by way of a starburst constellation. Families are bright, irregular-shaped nebulae. Finding a person you love is like galaxies colliding. We are all peculiar, unrepeatable, perambulating micro-universes - we have never been before and we will never be again. Oh God, the sheer exuberant, unlikely face of our existences. The honour of being alive. They will never be able to make you again. Don’t you dare waste a second of it thinking something better will happen when it ends. Don’t you dare.
|—||Caitlin Moran (via scatteredandshining)|